I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
