Pregnant stripper...not hot.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
