I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
