so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just found a bag of teeth...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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