the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
