I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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