ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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