every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
