does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
