if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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