Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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