Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You are a genius and a whore.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
