is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
