He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
