I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
