Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
