oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
