ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
