you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
