Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
wakey wakey hands off snakey
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
