i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
