The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
