the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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