After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Woke up backwards on a recliner
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
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