Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
