I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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