We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
