its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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