Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
