FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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