Your face is a jimmy john
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
even my farts smell like vagina
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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