can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
