You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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