i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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