Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
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