Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
