Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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