he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
