Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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