I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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