New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
