Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
