I'm eating all of the evidence.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
