What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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