We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
