i think my mom watched the whole time
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
