apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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