U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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