Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
