i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
