i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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